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| Reach Out - Get Help |
With all the sad news circulating today about yet another
celebrity taking their life after a battle with mental illness, I felt I just
had to weigh in.
I know…I know. There are a million people putting in their
“two cents” on this topic right now. Some opinions are helpful, some are
hurtful. Mine may fall silent among the crowd, but I am going to put it out
there regardless, because I have been there. I believe there is strength in
personal experience, so I am choosing to share mine.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with feelings
of disconnection. I remember standing on the playground as a child at school,
having an existential crisis while looking at my hands or other parts of
myself, thinking “is this really my hand (or foot, arm, leg, whatever)?”, and
then immediately feeling shame and embarrassment for having such weird
thoughts. I never talked to anyone about this. Somehow, I just knew in my mind
that to tell someone the strange things I was thinking would cause them to look
differently at me. Pretty sad when a 10 year old knows that.
I struggled through my adolescence to gain footing and
security. I envied people around me who just seemed to ‘get it’. They were
winning at life, and I was just a gangling creep who didn’t know who she was. I
felt alone. I mastered the art of ‘smile and nod’ when someone would ask me how
I was doing. I had a great party face. But inside I felt like I was dying. Truth be told, that little girl is still a very big part of who I am today, and the struggles are still VERY real.
I never felt secure. My overly active imagination was always
taking me places I did not want to go. If I could not get in touch with my mom
for 10 minutes (and this was WAY before the age of the cell phone guys!), I
would panic. I could go through every possible horrendous situation you could
imagine. My mom has been through worse in my imaginings than any character in a
horror movie, I guarantee you! She was typically the focal point of my anxiety,
because I loved her so much, and could not imagine my life without her in it.
Here is where I could start making excuses – my parents
divorced when I was young, my childhood was not stable…and all of that can
definitely impact a kid growing up. Living through my own divorce, and seeing
how it affected my children has been awful. But at some point, I have to
realize that my issues are deeper than just environment. There was something
real going on (or not going on) in my brain.
At the age of 18, when I left home for college, I entered a
whole new level of mental illness hell. The looming demon of anxiety overtook
my life, and for nearly 20 years, I was consumed and controlled. I can vividly
remember the night I had my first real anxiety attack (and I am sure my mom can
as well, since she had to rush me to the emergency room). That night started a
terrible journey for me. One of sleepless nights, endless trips to the ER, loss
of freedom and zeal for life, and the overwhelming sense of shame that consumed
me because of my illness.
See, if you have never experienced depression, or anxiety, or
God forbid a full blown panic attack – you just don’t KNOW. You can’t imagine
the terror. The uncontrollable physical manifestations. The consuming sadness
that pulls you into darker places than you EVER wanted to go. And the feeling
of helplessness that overtakes you. Add to that the shame and embarrassment,
and the sense of absolute failure because you can’t just “get over it” like
everyone is telling you to do…it’s exhausting!
You can’t just “get over it”. There is a big difference
between someone who just has the “blues” and someone who is genuinely
struggling with mental illness. Everyone gets down every now and then. Perhaps
too much stress, not enough sleep, poor nutrition, etc. can make even the
strongest person wear down. However, these symptoms are typically alleviated by
an invigorating walk in the woods, a cup of coffee and time to download with a
great friend, a mini-vacation to get away and unwind, or simply just a change
in their self-talk. These all help to re-focus and re-charge the person who is
run down, and they are ready to attack life again.
But the person with true mental illness? They can do ALL of
these things (speaking from personal experience), and may feel momentary
relief, but the blackness always creeps back in. Unwanted. Unwelcome. But an
ever-present member of their existence nonetheless. Mental illness is
isolating…that is what it is meant to be. The devils that promote and feed the
disease want us to feel alone. That way, no one will seek help. No one will
want to fess up and admit that they are slowly fading.
What is the answer? Transparency. Honestly. Vulnerability.
How can we achieve this? We must find ways to remove the stigma. People
struggling with mental illness need to be safe coming out of the hole they have
been hiding in. They hide because they don’t feel safe coming out. If they come
out there will be judgement. There will be opinions. There will be someone with
all the answers. Who wants to deal with that?
The recent suicides of Kate Spade, and now Anthony Bourdain
are crushing. In light of all the violence going on with school shootings, mass
shootings, terrorism, and so much more – where people’s lives are being stolen
from them – there are still people living in such heavy darkness they feel the
need to take their own. To say this is sad would be an incredible
understatement. Somewhere the madness must stop.
I don’t have the answers. I would not begin to claim them. I
do, however, believe that one step taken in the right direction can start a
chain reaction. If I open my mouth to share my pain, perhaps someone else will
feel the freedom to do the same. Once the ball is rolling, I hope it starts a
flood for others. I pray it opens the doors of freedom, for people to share what’s
hiding in their hearts.
My friends…if this is you…I pray you reach out. Find someone
in your life safe to talk with. If there isn’t already someone there for you,
reach out and find someone. I understand the darkness. But I also know that
there are doors where the light peeks through. You just have to take the first steps
to walk through them!
Blessings and good days ahead!
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