A study of solitude

                                                    A Study of Solitude

Solitude. The very word can create anxiety in the steadiest person. What does this word really mean? Webster’s dictionary defines solitude as “the state or situation of being alone”. For some, the thought of a few hours of complete silence alone would seem like heaven. For others, it may be terribly “lonely”. Our society is very loud. This culture thrives on noise, action, and constant stimulation. We want everything handed to us on a plate, with little to no effort of our own.

For me personally, solitude is a refreshing time. I am one who rarely turns on a T.V. or radio; the superfluous noise often being an unwelcome distraction. My idea of a great morning is coming downstairs to a quiet kitchen, making a cup of coffee, and sitting on my sofa to stare out the window in contemplation. It is a delicious time that I spend talking with the Lord. Unfortunately, those mornings are few and far between. They typically only occur on a weekend when my previous night has not run too late.

Mornings in our home have become a blur; with me staying up so late the night before that dragging myself out of bed is a terrible chore. I must set about the task of waking children, getting myself ready for the day, and attempting to shove a bite of food down my throat before rushing out the door. I would love to wake early, sit and ponder God’s word, and enjoy a slow cup of warm coffee before the madness begins. I have found, in this “quest for solitude”, how elusive it truly is.

Anything that is truly beneficial to us, or needful for us to grow in our relationship with the Lord, is going to require a great deal of effort on our part. The devil is going to fight us tooth and nail, and we are going to fight against our own flesh as well. It will require sacrifices of our time and ability. It may mean getting up thirty minutes early, or going to bed later. We may have to give up time with friends or family, but it is well worth it. Any time we spend giving things up for the Lord is beneficial to us, and provides a rich blessing.

My first attempt at intentional solitude with the Lord was beautiful. I spent time in my bedroom closet, staying in there for nearly an hour. The first 15 minutes or so, I just lay on the floor, soaking in the silence. I could literally feel myself melting into the floor. It was dark and cool. And quiet – so amazingly quiet. I could actually hear my heartbeat in my ears. I listened closely, straining to hear a whisper; a glimmer of noise from the Lord. But, alas, this time I would hear nothing of any specific significance.

I have only spent that one night in my closet in recent days. The remaining times of solitude I have spent on my couch, in bed, or in my car. I spent nearly a week in bed with the flu; that is certainly something that will keep you isolated from the rest of the world! But something I have learned in these alternate times of “solitude” is that they simply cannot compare. They cannot grant me the same level of calm and rejuvenation as being completely immersed in the cool blackness of my own closet.

It makes me think of the movie, War Room. I remember being swept up in the beauty of prayer when I first viewed the film. The elderly woman in the movie became such an inspiration to me. One of the elements of greatest struggle in my relationship with Jesus has been prayer. Why is something we desire to do and grow in so much, so elusive to us? As previously stated, anything that is going to propel us forward in the Lord is something that the devil is going to fight desperately to prevent.

There is one main thing the Lord has revealed to me in this process; the struggle is real! The struggle to be close to the Lord. To hear His voice. To grow in recognition of His presence. Oh, how I want to grow closer to Him! Sometimes, when I am sitting in the silence, I can almost feel Him walk into the room. I understand that when I determine to set aside time to spend with Him, I am setting an appointment. He plans to be there, but I have to show up as well.

But Life. Life gets in the way, and what typically gets bumped every time something “comes up”? 

When this happens, we miss out on the very thing that we are so looking forward to. Time alone with God. Time just to sit and bask in the glory of His presence. To drink Him in. To hear His voice. We steal something precious from ourselves, and all because we fall prey to the all too common excuse… “something came up”.

There is always going to be someone vying for my time. I am a wife, a mother, very active in my church and ministry, work full time, go to school nearly full time, and still try to fit in a bit of time for myself and friends. So where…where do I squeeze in that time with the Lord? His time should be of the utmost priority. Spending time with Him should be the first, and the last, part of my day - and it is. I do spend time with Him. As I am waking up, I say “good morning Lord”. As I am walking through my day, I cry out to Him for answers, for peace, for guidance. It is a constant conversation, or at least a one-sided one. But when…when do I get to just sit at His feet and experience His presence? When do I sit still and just listen? 

I know I am called to full time ministry: to write and teach and speak, and God will open those doors at the right time. But how will I know what to say, if I have not spent sufficient time with Him? How will I have anything to give out, if I am “give out” and not being re-filled by His Holy Spirit? I need that time of solitude, daily, to recharge. To refocus. To set my eyes on things that are above (Col 3:2), to fix my eyes on Jesus (Heb 12:2).

I can share a few things the Lord has revealed during the time I have spent, and what detriments exist in my relationship with Him due to lack of commitment to solitude:

1. I don’t love the Lord as much as I want to. Don’t get me wrong…I love Him very much. There are no words to give description for how thankful I am for salvation, for the baptism in the Holy Spirit, for His endless grace and mercy, and for His ever-present help in my life. But I don’t love Him WELL. Psalm 91:14 states “because he has set his love upon me, therefore I will deliver him…” Set his love upon me- this means a person determined to love. And what does it mean to love the Lord? Jesus said it in John 14:15, “If you love me, you will obey me”. We don’t obey out of duty or obligation. We follow hard after Christ, we lay down all, forsaking all, denying ourselves, dying to ourselves…all because we LOVE Him. So, the flip side must be true. If we are not doing these things, we are not loving Him well…and that is how I have been living. Not putting Him first, not giving up things I would like to do, not focusing on spending time with Him…not loving Him well.

2. I am not growing as fast as I would like to. This is a hard one for me, being a bit of a perfectionist. Thank God He does not see me the way I see myself. I thank Him that He is so incredibly patient with me, and allows countless times to fall down, and then get back up again. But yet, I still want more. I want to be useful to Him. A completed vessel that is ready for service. But He keeps having to put me back on the wheel to fix this imperfection or that flaw. I know that He uses me in spite of myself, and I appreciate that. And, nothing worth having comes easy, especially growth in Christ. I know that we grow through trials, through failures, and He sets us back on the course. I have just been around my same mountain a few more times that I would care to admit.

But I am actually excited! I realize that there is the rest of my life. And I want to keep pressing forward, keep working, keep moving forward and making efforts daily to set aside time for “solitude” with Jesus. I want it to become a way of life for me!

There is no greater honor on this earth than the open invitation we receive from the Lord to come and commune with Him, and I will forever be grateful for all of the amazing things the Lord is teaching me. They are tools in my spiritual armory that I will pull from for the rest of my life!